Julixxxxxxxxxx...I Need Your Help!

[14th Colony]

Where art thou? I need to talk to you about what we talked about Friday when we talked about what you said we'd talk about again after you thought about what we talked about. Do you remember talking about that?

I have to know by tomorrow what I'm going to do, and although I know what I think I'm going to do because I have no choice but to do what I have to do to resolve what I haven't done when I should have done it, I have to know exactly how I am going to do, as well as how not to do what I have to do, when I do it.

As you can see, my thoughts are not very clear on this issue. I need advice!

To those who also may come across this message, I am sorry that I have not and cannot explain what it is that I have not explained in an explainable fashion. Don't take it personally, but it is a highly personal matter of a personal nature which is highly personal and private.

[Breea]

how about i just send you lots of hugs....no need to explain..just know we're here if you need us...

[14th Colony]

Awwww, dank yoo!  

[julix]

sent you an email Ron.  I hope to try to be online in a bit.  so sorry

[14th Colony]

I'm glad you did. Thanks for being there. =)

[julix]

I'm glad you did. Thanks for being there. =)

anytime my friend!

[zankoku]

Ron, don't know what the issue. but we can close ranks and send you good vibes.

Jim

[14th Colony]

Thank you, Jim. I can use all the vibes I can get.  :shock:

I can use some of these too:  :idea:

[Breea]

hun,

let us know on what wave length you're on and we'll see what kind of ideas we can come up with to help ya...

hugs...

[julix]

Thank you, Jim. I can use all the vibes I can get.  :shock:

I can use some of these too:  :idea:

How are you doing hun?

[14th Colony]

hun,

let us know on what wave length you're on and we'll see what kind of ideas we can come up with to help ya...

hugs...

The wave length I'm on is a long crashing wave with a strong undertow, and I'm stuggling to keep my head above water as another wave rolls in.

j/k, I know what you meant. To be honest, it's a thing that I avoided for many years because I couldn't face it. I should have years ago when it was a much smaller issue, but I screwed up and it grew and grew. And if I don't fix it now it will hurt me, but if I do fix it it will hurt me anyway. Catch-22, but it will become far worse if I don't fix it ASAP. I actually talked about it on another message board of people who don't know me, and I was chastised and looked down upon as some lowlife who avoided taking care of his responcibilities...which is in fact what I did, avoid it. No, it is not alimony or child support or anything like that. But I was chastised on that other board even more because after years of avoiding it and having nothing in my life (which is part of why I avoided it, that, and clinical depression robbing me of my motivation to do things for myself), now I have some opportunities to actually live my life and do some good things for myself, but this "wave" from the past is going to get in the way of that whether I fix the problem or not...and I'm a low life--according to that other message board--because I actually want to try to enjoy my life now and avoid the wave completely, somehow. According to them, I should literally lose all the opportunities that I now have and face the wave regardless, because I don't deserve the opportunities after avoiding the wave all these years. Believe me, if the wave were a normal size wave and not a tidal wave, after years of growing, I would face it and deal with it and fix the problem. But I don't have levies large enough to deal with the wave as it is, unless the source of the wave would enable the wave to decrease to a size that I can handle.

Either that, or follow an unrelated course of action based on a condition that I have, that I never admitted to myself for over 20 years, which 3 friends and one family member over the last few days (Julix included) have urged me to do. A few years ago I talked with my mother about that same course of action after another friend advised me to do it, and both she and I agreed that I would not want to do it, that course of action. But she isn't here now to talk with her about it again and it is a very hard choice to make.

Also, I guess I haven't moved on very well, because I'm missing my mother more and more, especially now. And my father too. And my family, who don't call me anymore to see how I'm doing. But what should I do, call them and when they say "how are you doing?" tell them that my life is falling apart and I really needed them over the last year? They have their own lives, and apparently don't need me in them.

When I was a teenager I couldn't wait to be an adult and get away from my mother's smothering because I felt that although I loved her, I didn't really need her that much. But here I am about to turn 39 and realizing how much I need her right now.

But hey, what're ya gonna do. There are children with cancer, people who are quadrapalegics (sp?), wars and murders and people getting limbs blown off of their bodies, and homeless people dying of starvation. And I'm whining about facing my wave. There is a side of me saying, STFU, 14th. But I just want to find happiness and inner peace for the first time in 20 years, and I am the master of missed opportunities.

[14th Colony]

I am between a rock and a hard place. I've made mistakes in my life that I can fix, and some that I cannot. And right now it looks like the one that I can fix is going to interfere with the one that I cannot, and vice-versa.

Still with me? Okay.
I had a defaulted school loan. The Department of Education added over double to my 7,000+ school loan from circa-1990. I was a young fool, with a step-grandmother who had promised to pay for my loan at the time that I took it. But then she went mentally AWOL and I was left with the school loan, and a car loan she had also promised to help me pay off. I did pay off the car though, on time with no defaults. Then I spent the next several years taking care of my mom who had her own problems, and always avoiding mine while I dealt with everyone else's.

(Hidden orchestra begins playing violin music now...Everyone has problems, so STFU Tovor.)

I had avoided this debt for many years because of ongoing crises in my life that made life difficult; including clinical depression, memory problems, and ADD, all from a brain injury when I was 14. I had to learn to read and write, walk and talk all over again, and spent years taking physical therapy, and have permanant cognative problems from that injury. But that's neither here nor there; the government does not care about that. They still want me to pay back nearly 20,000 including the fees that they tacked on.

That default had tarnished my credit badly for years, until it finally dropped off my credit score and I built my credit up nicely, to buy a car and a condo in the last year. Now I am getting ready to do my 2005 tax return, which will include a write-off due to the condo I bought in 2005. When I bought my current condo, after years of struggling and trying to fix my life, my mortgage broker, a fraudulent family friend, conned me out of a lot of extra money and I got stuck in a condo that I do not want to stay locked into.

At one time the Dept. of Education had garnished my pay to pay off the school loan and I had barely anything left for take-home pay. Then through some mistake, the garnishing stopped a couple of years ago, give or take, and naturally I did not complain because it eased my financial struggle. But then they realized it partway through 2005 and began sending me letters and calling me on the phone again, demanding repayment of the loan in full. When I bought the condo the default had not been put back on my credit report, nor recently when I checked my credit score, but I am concerned that they will put it back on and ruin my chances to refinance and sell and buy another condo, which I will be needing to do within 6 months, or less perhaps. And if I don't take advantage of the rising real estate prices and sell when it goes up high enough, I will never be able to buy a house in Port St. Lucie, which I so want to do, before those prices double (they are currently selling for a lot less than houses of the same size down here in st. Florida).

I am currently unemployed, but trying to build up a self-employed business that should bring in a nice income within a couple of months. Thus, currently there is no paycheck to garnish from, if they pursued that route again.

I am concerned that if I do not acknowledge the default and let them do as they may, they will put it on my credit report and my score will plummet.

I am also concerned that if I do make arrangements to start a payment process, that it will, as I have read, go back on my credit score anyway as an old debt revisited. I have read time and again not to try to fix very old debts due to this reason.

Here is another problem. I must make plans ASAP to get my 2005 taxes done. As I indicated, due to my home purchase, I now have a large write off and should get a nice chunk of taxes back. But due to the default, the government will automatically take my tax return and apply it to the 16-year-old loan, and I will see none of it.

So, do nothing, and they may put it back on my credit score and then they keep my tax return.

Or do something, and it winds up on my credit score anyway, and I get to keep my tax return once I am out of default status.

So what should I do, I ask myself? Self, what options do I have? I am between a rock and a hard place, and feeling pretty drained. I want to pay back this debt but at this time it is difficult with being currently unemployed and trying to work independently; and I worry that if I make arrangements to pay it back now it will hurt my credit now, when I need my credit score to be good now rather than later. I spent years improving my credit to find a way to live a life...I dread having to spend another several years trying to fix it again, and losing my tax refund, which I desperately need.

I am so confused, I can't think straight. I don't know what to do. I've called my bank's financial counselor and he didn't know enough about credit scores and school loans to advise me. I called 2 non-profit debt counselors too and they didn't really have any advice to help me.

[zankoku]

You should always take the bull by the horns and face whatever it is. Issues like whatever is troubling won't go away.

BUCK UP and face the music. Just let us know if John Walsh is looking for you so we can collect the reward.

Ok poor sense of humor.

Since you have come this far, you are not allowed to run away, consider sepakku, use drugs or booze or whine.

You are allowed to stand up and face your fears, troubles or issues.


Jim

[14th Colony]

You should always take the bull by the horns and face whatever it is. Issues like whatever is troubling won't go away.

BUCK UP and face the music. Just let us know if John Walsh is looking for you so we can collect the reward.

Ok poor sense of humor.

Since you have come this far, you are not allowed to run away, consider sepakku, use drugs or booze or whine.

You are allowed to stand up and face your fears, troubles or issues.


Jim

In life you have to grab the bull by the horns.
But sometimes the bull winds.  

[zankoku]

Just don't step in nothin you can't wipe off.