Recently an old friend from high school, an ex-girfriend who I'd been especially close and connected to, my first love actually, contacted me through MySpace and we have been talking through emails for the last two weeks. She told me recently that she has been reading and enjoying my blogs, and that she finds them very uplifting. She wrote, "You make all negative in life come out with a cherry on top."
That is exactly what I've sought to do all along with my blogs, to reveal the positives amid the negatives. But the ironic thing is, I am having so much trouble right now that I am now unable to write such uplifting messages. I always maintained that we are all winners deep down and all have the potential to win despite facing losses. I wrote a few times that I was born a winner and I'll die a winner, that I may lose everything in between but I'll still be a winner at heart with the potential to rise up again.
That message is true, but I am having real trouble feeling it right now. Truth is, my life is crumbling and I'm having more and more trouble holding it together. The insurance career is not working out like it was supposed to and I have no income coming in, and a lot of trouble making appointments. My bills and debts are rising and they are overwhelming me. I'm struggling and with my ever-present depression shrouding the light and diminishing my motivation, it is more and more difficult to get out of bed and try to fix this mess. Lately I have been going to bed early, a few times as early as 8 PM, because I simply could not face the day and the pain I'm feeling.
I have been scouring Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com for job opportunities, and have been submitting my resume to numerous companies. I keep being offered interviews for insurance companies and other commission-only jobs, but I desperately need something with a guaranteed weekly salary to be able to pay my bills. But other than that, I am not able thus far to land myself a paying job. Oh, actually but I did. I started one telemarketing job that didn't last but 4 days before I was let go. I just couldn't sell the product.
I am being hired on Tuesday for another sales job but it does not begin until March 24th so until then I am struggling to hold things together with no money.
I am still yet a winner, not a loser. But truth be told, I am feeling very much like a loser. I've lost so much. I lost my car back in September and now drive a piece of junk around. I'm desperately trying to short-sell my condo before the bank forecloses on me and I end up homeless.
A few week or so ago I was faced with owing so much on my utilities that my cable internet, cell phone, and electricity were about to be turned off. I was desperate, truly at rock bottom. Then a group of friends that I know online rose up and came to my aid. One suggested that I accept their help and then a few others got on board wanting to help me too. They contributed money to my Paypal account, and suddenly I had almost $200 to keep me electricity on. I was, and am, overwhelmed with gratitude and relief, and I know that I have some wonderful friends with generous hearts.
But my problems are not solved yet. My bills are still overwhelming me though. I often like to quote Qui-Gon Jinn from The Phantom Menace, who said in their time of trouble, "I am sure a solution will present itself." In the movie a solution did, but in my instance there is no Anakin Skywalker to win a podrace for me to get me the money I need.
This is the worst possible time to be out of work. My depression is so bad that I can't even think straight and despite all of my uplifting blog messages from the past, I am having too much trouble facing the day and dealing with my problems.
Crap. In addition to my money troubles, I have the state attorney coming after me for over 300 bucks. Back in the fall, I had written a 50 dollar check for food but inadvertantly wrote it from the wrong checkbook, from an account I had just closed. The check obviously bounced, but instead of contacting me, the food store Publix immediately sent the matter to the State Attorney and I was fined over 300 bucks, including the charges for a financial class that they required me to go to.
Isn't that great? Somebody has money problems, so they charge them 300 bucks for their problems.
At the required financial class in February, I met several other people who all had done the same thing, written a bounced check at Publix. And in all cases, Publix had not contacted the people to come write a new check, but immediately sent it to the State Attorney. My check was for 54 dollars. Another person's check had been for 17 dollars, and they too were hit with 300 in fines and fees. Isn't that outragious?
So crap...in addition to all else I'm dealing with, I have to fork up over 300 (now with added late fees for not paying it back sooner) more dollars for that or else I'll be facing further legal actions against me.
Crap, crap, crap!
Then there is my bank, which hit me with $32 overdraft charges when I had a few overdrafts (including the State Attorney's office hitting my account multiple times for the automatic payment plan they had made me set up to pay them) that zoomed to over $300. Last I checked, it was over $400. They keep threatening me that I am going to be put into Check Systems and will never be able to open a bank account anywhere afterwards. I just want to get a good job to be able to pay these debts and then dig myself out of my mess, but the hole keeps getting deeper.
Crap. I used to be a nice guy, always paying my debts and managing to survive. Now I'm so far over my head that I can't get out of it, with no forgiveness from the above mentioned. Now even despite my "winning philosophy", I am feeling very much like a loser. My depression is so deep and severe that it is emotionally painful, and it is hard to go on.
I need prayer. I need help from God. I am desperate.
Laurette Spang Forums
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